Already Want to Say F U to 2022

 I would say 2021 was my year.

 My husband and I bought a house, had our wedding, traveled, and got to hang out with friends in a more regular capacity. I started to feel confident in my role at work, took on more leadership opportunities, and moved to a team doing the type of work I truly love. But barely 60 days into 2022, and most people probably wouldn't be able to tell by looking or talking to me, but it's been a fucking rough start.

The year started out with yet another Covid variant, and I ended up basically spending the first 2 weeks of the year inside because I was afraid of catching it and missing my best friend's bachelorette trip, which ended up getting postponed anyway. With it being January and winter, it was cold and dark, so there wasn't much I could do outside. I just sat inside all day… every day. 

My husband was on his night shifts at the time too, so I also spent many nights alone. I felt antsy and restless most days, but some days I would just sit and cry. I felt like I did during April of 2020 when quarantine started making me depressed. It was a hard first two weeks.

Around this time as well was when performance reviews were happening at work. This past year I worked my ass off between two teams, leading multiple projects with the goal of being promoted. I was led to believe I was on track for a promotion but found out I didn't get it. 

I honestly felt like a lot of my time spent the past year was wasted. I told myself early in 2021 that if I didn't get promoted by the end-of-year reviews, I would start looking for a new job. The issue is the team I'm on is pretty much the perfect team and I really love my company. So not getting this promotion was not only dejecting but also confusing. 

I have a whole different blog I want to write about this but basically, not getting this promotion crushed me for multiple reasons. So between being seasonally depressed, drained, blindsided and unsure of myself, I still logged into work each day and made myself seem fine.

But February came around and I started to get myself out of the house more and get over my anger with work. My 27th birthday was coming up and there were other high moments to look forward to that month. I started to feel better, but then another low came.

In sickness and in health.

The worst feeling I've experienced is seeing someone I love in pain. My wonderful husband has already been dealt a tough hand with a chronic illness he's had since college. I've already become accustomed to seeing him in pain and having days where he doesn't feel well, but he's mostly been feeling more good than bad for the last few years. 

This last month that has started to change with him having bad days almost every day in February. His pain started to change from what we've experienced in the past to new pains in his lower back. It got to a point where he could not walk, sit or stand without being in pain, so he went to urgent care. 

We still don't know for sure what is wrong, but it's looking like he may have a spinal issue that is common when you're in your 50s but not so much when you’re 26. 

Around the time he started going to the doctors, I had that bachelorette trip that had been postponed. I thought about not going because I did not want to leave my husband alone when he was struggling, but since it was only for the weekend and his parents planned to check on him, I went.

The day I got back, he seemed to be doing relatively okay initially. But once it hit time for bed, his pain took a turn for the worse. I don't think I've seen him in this much pain before. He spent most of the night groaning, moving around, and pacing in pain. I tried suggesting different things he could do to help, but nothing worked and I was trying my hardest not to get upset. Had he not finally fallen asleep around 1am or so I would have taken him to the emergency room.

Even though I was running on limited sleep from the bachelorette trip, I couldn't fall asleep because I worried my husband would wake up with more pain. I also just felt like the worst wife for leaving him over the weekend knowing this was how his nights had been while I was gone.

Even though I was tired, scared, and sad, the next day, I logged onto work and said I was fine as many in my generation tend to do when their not really fine.

We are still figuring out what can help my husband, but that is the hardest part because I still have to watch him be in pain and there's nothing I can do.

So yeah, that's been my first 2 months of the year. I pray March finally allows us some peace, happiness and clarity. Sorry, there's no happy ending or some all-encompassing message here. I promise my husband and I are doing our best to stay positive but sometimes writing about the bad parts of life is therapeutic. All I can ask is to send some good vibes our way and I hope we can end the first quarter of the year on a high.